The other day, my little girl and I went out to play on the snow. It was the first time she ever saw the snow and she happily explored around, while I followed her trying to remember what was it like to have a great time back then when I was a child too. I remember I loved snow so much, I would play outside for hours and would come home with my clothes completely soaked wet! But that feeling was gone, long time ago.
My husband was there too watching us, and after a while he told me something like: “I had a childhood in a fucked-up family, but you look like you didn’t have a proper childhood at all! It looks to me like you had to grow too soon!”
The moment he said that I almost wanted to cry. I knew exactly what he meant.
I grew in a family where I mostly played alone, my parents were too grown-up to play with me, and my brother was too old. Although there were kids in my street, I somehow didn’t fit in, I never felt like I belonged there. I shut down at some point, although I don’t remember when, but I suspect it was when I was 10. My country (ex Yugoslavia) fell apart and war started in Bosnia (Bosnia was a region in ex-Yugoslavia, as well as Serbia which later became a separate country. I currently live in Serbia.) The war and the collapse of the once beautiful and stable country which my parents loved so much, made them become cold and unhappy. We became poor, and it was really hard for most of the people to figure out how to live in those days. Since then, the happiness didn’t return. I was too young to figure out what was going on and I just remember that my mother went into a depression and never recovered. My father was running around trying to make some money so that we can live, and my brother was stuck in the confusion of a political and ethical hatred and propaganda, trying to figure out how to become a man and to fit in in the collapsing society. I was so lonely. I guess that is when I “grew up”.
But in recent years, I learned that if I want to be happy, I have to stop to think as an adult. I have to reject to follow the example of my parents and to be happy no matter what. So what if I don’t have enough money. So what if I live in the world which is a mess. So what if I live in a place where everybody is so different than myself. It took me many years to realize this and in order to achieve it, I needed to heal my inner-child first.
The inner child is a part of ourselves we usually refer to when we want to address our feelings, emotions and needs from the early childhood we never managed to fulfill. We became adults, but deep inside the emotional yearnings are still alive. Most of the people of the world are in fact children wanting to be heard, to be loved and accepted. So many times, I can see the little girl showing up on the face of my old mother, or on my mother-in-law. So many times, I could notice when inner-children appear in many people, but they do not recognize them. Inner-children are persistent and will never go away, not until their right to express their feelings is being made possible. They will demand it, they will scream and shout, they will do whatever it takes to make people listen.
I have been healing my inner-child for a couple of years. In the process, I communicated to this part of myself, allowing it to come forward and to express how it really feels. As a result, I cried a lot, allowing myself to experience those feelings I either suppressed or didn’t understand back then. I cried because my mother was not around when I needed her. I cried because my father stopped being around when I start going to school. I cried because I was thrown into a cruel world where all other children were equally cruel. I cried because I was rejected many times. I cried because I remembered the innocent child once I was before I learned that acting serious and not expressing your own thoughts and emotions is what could save me from being emotional hurt. It still makes me sad when I think about it, but acknowledging these emotions helped my inner-child to finally say what it has been wanted for so many years.
In fact, the more I did it, the more I felt that my heart is opening up. This is really working guys! Acknowledging the presence of the child within, really opens so many doors. I could reflect how my inner child feels just observing my little girl and I am so grateful that she came to my life and showed me that. At times, I feel like she is asking my inner-child to come out and play. I would then sit with her and play, but it wasn’t always my desire. I would play with her pretending I am a child and not being truly committed to the play. But then, on that day when it was a snow, I suddenly remembered! I remembered the joy of being a child, the joy of wanting to play all day long, not caring for anything else! Our house is on the hill, so I sat on the old plastic bag and slide down on the snowy path. My legs went upwards and I was on my back! I slid all the way down finally hitting the tree. I laughed so hard that I couldn’t remember when was it the last time I had so much fun! My husband and I then made a snowman, while our little one watched us in amazement, probably thinking that we are doing something very serious! It turned out we had more fun then she did!
My heart was so open and I was so joyful! It made my day!
In the days to come, I often came across the subject of the inner child playfulness, not realizing the true message the universe was sending me.
The inner-child actually wanted to tell me: “You healed me enough! I expressed what I needed! Now I want to go and play! Let me out to play! I want to be joyful and happy!”
We have entered a new age at the very beginning of 2017. I don’t know exactly what will this year bring. I have tried to look into the energy of it and to try to predict what will happen, but the only thing I can feel is this vast space and something which looks like a blank paper. I believe this is a year we are going to create from the beginning, with the full intensity from our hearts! I believe that this year, it will be very possible for many people who have opened up to manifest what they really honestly desired from the heart! And I believe that this is a year when many of us with the same desire and an idea to make this place a paradise-like world will start gathering, attracting each other and bringing more of us together. We are going to be young again, like children, we will start joyfully playing with the new abilities we have gain, like when having new toys, only this time, we will do it responsibly.
Other than that, we truly need to become children again! We need to be joyful, creating from our hearts, enjoying every moment! WE need to stop acting like adults act in this world! We often suppress what we want to express in the moment because we are afraid that we will be judged, ridiculed, criticized.
How many times you wanted to play your music loud, but you were afraid of what will other say? Did you want to wear that crazy hat? Go for it! Do you feel like dancing? Dance if you feel like dancing, sing if you feel like singing, jump from joy if you feel like it! Draw on the walls of your room, who cares! So what it your hair is a mess! So what if you don’t have the right outfit for the dinner party! Who cares! Want to run across that field? Want to climb a tree? Do it! Start doing what makes you joyful and laugh as hard as you can! Become young again!